Category Gwennie

Dear Pet Sitters – Katzenworld

by Gwennie

08
Feb

Hello Humans! This is Gwennie! I’m here today to tell your cats all about an important service.  So please, gather up your furry superiors and place them on their thrones in front of the computer.

Are you ready yet? I don’t have all day!

Okay then!

Today’s topic is about the importance of pet sitters.  There are two pet sitter organizations Momma has used and she’s been happy with both of them.  The first one is PSI (Pet Sitters International) and NAPPS (National Association of Professional Pet Sitters.)

It’s very important when hiring a pet sitter, to leave them detailed instructions.  I’ve been very disappointed with the instructions Momma has written, so for the last two years, I’ve let the pet sitters instructions. The letter they receive always includes my picture with the following text:

Dear Pet Sitter, 

My name is Gwennie and I don’t like you!  My sister’s name is Little Missy. Momma says we look alike.  I suppose if you’re blind or in need of an eye exam, you might feel the same way, but I don’t see the resemblance at all.  Little Missy has no dignity. She’ll do anything for attention. If you happen to know of a circus that will take Little Missy, please leave that information on the kitchen table. Or, better yet, put Little Missy in a box and FedEx her to the circus.

Please do not be late!!!  The last pet sitter left in charge of our care arrived at our house 2.58 seconds late.  That is unacceptable! You must be on time! However, even if you are on time, you’ll probably still be late according to my watch. I’m a cat; I can’t be pleased.

In addition to refilling my food bowl, you must also change my water, scoop my litter box, and tell me how pretty I am – from across the room. I don’t like it when humans breathe my air! Don’t leave me toys; I don’t like them – even if I really do. Please take the bag of poop to the outside garbage can. Just because I worked hard to make it doesn’t mean I want to smell it.

If you’re going to steal anything from my house – take Little Missy. I’ve never liked her. Momma and Dadda might miss her but I sure won’t.

Sincerely,

Gwennie

P.S.

If you have any questions, please call Momma on her cell phone. Don’t bother asking me, I won’t give you the time of day, let alone any advice.

So there you have it, fellow cats.  This is an example of the instructions you should draft for your humans to give to your pet sitters. Don’t leave the humans in charge of writing out the instructions. They can’t be trusted to do it right.

And remember, future pet sitters, I’ll be watching for you!

My name is Gwendolynn Anne Marie Stefani Collins-Silver. I’m a cat and I don’t care….about anything except for my momma, A. Marie Silver – mother of two human kittens and editor of a literary magazine that no one cares about because it’s not about me!

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A Cat’s Guide to New Appliances – Katzenworld

by Gwennie

27
Dec

Hello, Humans! This is Gwennie again! I’m pleased to be back here a second time.  I don’t normally take the time to thank anyone for anything, but I would like to thank Mr. Marc for recognizing my talent and allowing me to write on his blog.  Now that I’ve said thank you, I feel nauseous.  But that’s beside the point.

Today’s blog is all about the right and wrong way to install new appliances when you’re owned by a cat.

On Thanksgiving night, our refrigerator – Clyde – decided he’d had enough of this world. He turned off his compressor.  That alarmed Boy-Dadda. Fortunately, Clyde turned his compressor back on and Samuel – our turkey/leftovers was saved.

A few days after Thanksgiving, Momma came running down the stairs, with Little Missy tucked under her arm like a football.

“Throw her, Momma,” I screamed. “I’ll smile at you if you toss her down the stairs.”

Momma completely disregarded my instructions. Rude! Instead of tossing Little Missy’s ugly butt down the stairs, she placed Little Missy inside of the laundry room and shut the door which was just fine by me. I didn’t want to look at Little Missy’s unfortunate face any more.

Then the unthinkable happened.  Momma grabbed me and took me down stairs, locking me in the laundry room with Little Missy.  I had a few choice words for Momma – none of which are appropriate to repeat here.

While we were trapped in the laundry room, Little Missy and I heard loud scraping, pounding and sometimes even banging sounds coming from upstairs.  “Something’s not right,” Little Missy said.

“Don’t talk to me! You’re ugly!” I said even though it pained me to admit that Little Missy was right.

When Momma finally let us up from the basement, I could smell the unmistakable odor of preverts in the air.  (A prevert is a foul, repugnant life form that often takes the shape of humans. Momma says it’s not a real word. I don’t care; I’m a cat.)

I needed to make sure that everything was safe, so I pushed Little Missy up the stairs first. Fortunately for Little Missy, everything was fine. Unfortunately for me, so was Little Missy.

But the kitchen was NOT fine! The kitchen was different.  Clyde was gone! So was Sally (the dishwasher), Beauford (the oven) and Randal (the microwave.) They were all gone!  All of them! And in their places were new appliances.  And they all smelled like preverts!

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks rubbing my pheromones all over the new appliances, trying to eliminate their awful odor.

The microwave is going to be a problem.  It’s too high up for me to reach.

Here’s the moral of the story. As supervisory cat-in-charge of household operations, I reserve the right to hiss, snarl, snap, swat and bite at anyone or anything who enters my home – in particular if they are removing my belongings.  Momma’s decision to incarcerate me in the laundry room was inappropriate.

Remember, Humans, your cats own you! Not the other way around.  Don’t ever install anything new or different without their prior knowledge and consent! I’m going to need a spa day after all the rubbing I’ve had to do to improve the overall smell of the kitchen.

Here’s a photo of Little Missy staring at her reflection in the new stove. Apparently she’s the only creature in the world not terrorized by her own image.  Way to go, Little Missy!

Momma hasn’t named the new appliances yet and this disturbs me greatly.  If anyone reading this has any suggestions, please let me know.

Thank you for reading my blog. I’ll think of you all fondly – until it makes my head hurt.

Sincerely,

Gwennie

My name is Gwendolynn Anne Marie Stefani Collins-Silver. I’m a cat and I don’t care….about anything except for my momma, A. Marie Silver – mother of two human kittens and editor of a literary magazine that no one cares about because it’s not about me!

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